♥ Princessa's Royal Diary ♥ - Royalty has never been so PINK!

I seriously don't understand what's wrong with me. I keep having this feeling that he's hiding something from me. Yesterday I received a Friendster message on his alternate account (i.am@ahsahei.com), from a girl (her nick on Friendster is Skye) who is on his friend's list.

She messaged asking him exactly how many Friendster accounts does he have (with a " :P " at the end of the sentence), and I replied on his behalf, "Why does it concern you?"

The thing I don't understand is why I'm so pissed off about it? After reading the message, the first thought that came into my mind was, "SLUT"!

Let’s have a glimpse of the past.

I wasn't really the jealous type. It's a bit of the self-confident factor.

I know that guys, being guys, would try to fool around, if he had the chance, just like my dad and his older brother, my Uncle.

My dad disappeared for years, and in 2005, he suddenly reappeared. I started staying with him in 2006 (before that I stayed alone), and I've seen a number of he's girlfriends. Weird thing is for a guy as hopeless as him, he's girlfriends are actually had some standards and (the worst part is) their around my age, slightly older nevertheless. One of them is a Korean, a year older then me and studied at Informatics. She is already a Degree holder. She is here just to study English. Thus, I conclude that she is SMART, RICH and PRETTY! Anyway, she stayed with us for a period of time before she went back to Korea. Throughout, she would always try to avoid me whenever she could. I guess it's weird, I'm a year younger then her, but she's dating my dad. Till now, I still don't understand why she wanted to date my dad, lack of fatherly love? Hmm...

Anyway my mum and dad are divorced, so I guess he has all right to date other girls, even if their just a year older then me.

I guess brothers are alike because my uncle is WORST! I've seen my uncle change girlfriends like he changes his clothes, one after another. This was on going before he was married (according to his ex-wife), when he was married and after he's wife left him. There was this particular girlfriend he had that actually STAYED with him and his ex-wife! Things got out of hand and my granny had to pay her, to get rid of her. Am I sure about this? Well, I was there.

Though I was quite young then, I remember the incident. When we left, my granny said in Chinese, these kinds of women are cheap. All they want is men and money. I guess she meant "sex and money".

Back to me.

Okay, so I wasn't the "hang on to one guy and marry him" kind either. I had my first boyfriend when I was coming 15, after I got rid of the boy part of me and lost some weight. Their not much of a boyfriend actually, I usually stop contacting them after 2 dates. Please don't ask me what my first boyfriend's name was, I seriously HAVE NO IDEA! I don't even remember how he looks like. Gosh, maybe he didn't even exist?

Anyway, I changed a couple of boyfriends, grew up a little, and started to actually go into a "relationship". I was nice, I don't talk back, I don't give attitude, I don't lose my temper and I would always go to his workplace (he worked at Pac. Net) to visit. I was kinda a gamer back then. :)

That relationship didn't work out. He broke up with me roughly a week before my 16 birthday. He's friend managed to get him to go dinner with me, the four of us actually, B, S, him and me. It was rather miserable and I was pathetic. The worst part was, one of my god-sis in Japan just died in a car accident recently. It was a double blow, and I changed after that.

After that it became weird. He was the one that dumped me, but it seemed he got pissed off at me for being close to this guy friend, V, from dots (a clan). By the way, V has a girlfriend called L and we all know each other.

One fine day, the two of them, my ex and L came up with this weird theory and started ganging up and outcast me. I seriously don't understand. I WAS NICE and I got dumped. So what you want me to do? Lock myself in a room, cry (done that), never come out and never talk to anyone?

Okay, things got ridiculous and V and I slowly stopped talking till we completely lost contact.

This incident taught me something, being nice only causes self-destruction. For no good a reason, L hates me, I lost a friend, and I'm still sad. Bullshit.

Anyway, I recovered quickly, grew stronger, and moved on. I don't hate him. We just don't talk. Not that we actually talked much in the first place. Again, I started dating with caution this time, and the nice part of me was completely buried.

PS: Years later we became friends again but my boyfriend didn't like me associating with old flames so I avoided. I guess he's impression of me must have changed completely. The once nice, pathetic, idiotic girl is now a whining, attitude problem, self-centered PRINCESS. I do have a temper, in fact, I have a nasty temper.

Anyway, that was years ago, basically history. Back to the changed me, and my current boyfriend.

I had the impression that since my boyfriend isn't a rich man's son, he isn't really that good looking, he isn't highly educated and he isn't holding a perfect dream job. Thus, it wouldn't attract the above average standard girls (the threats) because he isn't going to shower them with love and presents.

Slowly, I started to "kinda" like the idea that my boyfriend is the dream of many other girls. It's the "you want, but I have and you don't" thing. It makes me feel better in an evil kinda way. And besides, their below average, I trust my boyfriend's taste. After all, my dad, having no standard at all, didn't just take any girl.

Like my granny said, some women are cheap, why would I lower myself, and be jealous of them?

I don't mind that my boyfriend talks to them and lets them flirt with him a little. As long as they know my existence, that's fine. Why? I can't help if people wanna throw themselves at my boyfriend, as long as my boyfriend's heart is at the right place, what's wrong with watching a good show?

We had many problems but we never argued about "other girls" kinda issue before and I don't check his handphone. Doubt didn't exist, on my part at least. He accused me of "other guys" and loves going through my handphone.

Things were like that till August 2006.

I feel as if I was living in my uncle's ex-wife's shoes or maybe worst. Let alone the problems we had. Now I've discovered that he's cheating on me. It's not the cheating part the utterly made me leave. But I wasn't gone for long.

After we patched back, I changed again. I'm nice again, though I still lose my temper once in a while. But I seemed to have learnt a new skill, a bad one, jealousy and distrust. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

About 2 months ago, I discovered that I have a tear in tummy, which is the cause of me vomiting blood (donno how serious it is I'm too broke to go for a scope). I thought it was because of this that's why I vomit quite often. Now I realized it might not be the case.

The tear is causing the blood but vomiting had nothing to do with it. I was reading something to do with the mental state of one's mind. I believe I'm suffering from phobia, a fear. A little like the fear of heights, when you're at a high place, you feel the ground isn't stable. This fear of mine has to do with other women. Whenever I get suspicious I would feel like vomiting. How horrible is that?

I know it's all in the mind, but it seems my heart isn't helping me either! I have to recover from this, whatever it takes. Since he isn't willing to help me, I have to help myself...