♥ Princessa's Royal Diary ♥ - Royalty has never been so PINK!

It's been a while since I joined the channel to "chat" with my so-called BFFs (the traitors that left me). The strange thing about BFFs is that no matter how long you've not spoken (or for this case typed) to them, the moment you do, it feels as though it's like good old times. Nothing really changed.

First sentence said, "problem?" I responded, "not really..."

And with that we all knew I had a problem. I guess you can say they know me all too well. Then again, if I don't have a problem, I'd probably not be online, in that channel, 5am in the morning.

I guess I had nothing else to say so I said, "it's nothing really, probably just missing you guys or something."

God grieves, why the hell would I say something sooo ridiculous. In bold and caps came the flooding of "WAHAHA" and "LOL". Ryan even passed the comment, "this must be bad, she lost it."

Hey, I never said I was the nicest person in the world okay. Don't judge me for my shortcomings... :(

Anyway.

We went on and on about how it's impossible that I'd miss them considering that I delete most of the crap they comment on my blog, it takes forever to reply my emails, I don't bother flying over to visit, and when they fly over to visit me - I don't pick them up (too early)... I don't drop by their place (too far)... I don't chill out with them (don't really fancy clubbing)... I don't bother sending them off (too early also)...

In other words, I just save phone bills when we're all in Singapore. (It's not like they came here just to meet me okay. They miss Singapore too. I'm an excuse.)

Anyhow.

When that finally came to an end, we finally started discussing my "problem", which I honestly can't clearly define.

I don't know why but I'm feeling a little lost. No matter how I try to cover it up by doing other stuff, whenever I finish with something, I have no idea what to do next.

When the week just started, I was sooo excited. New job, new friends, new responsibilities. Maybe... Just maybe I'd be able to find a sense of belonging. I'm finally like a typical NORMAL working person! I could like experience being eager for the clock to strike 6 and see Teddybear again! The feeling was totally awesome, but sadly, it only lasted 2 days. By Wednesday the feeling started to fade.

I like my job, so it's not the job factor that I lost sparks for. It's... The other factor.

During work I'm like full of energy, smiling and sometimes giggling to myself. But as eager as I am for the clock to strike 6, when it does, I suddenly feel empty again. I have nothing to look forward to after work.

I miss Teddybear, but the problem is, I don't think he feels the same. Lately it has always been like that.

I believe years ago I was the kinda of Princess that still believed in forever after. That got wiped out of my system say 4 years back? But after being with Teddybear for a while the whole forever after dream kinda returned. I had my very own Prince Charming and my own castle (my blog) - "life's good".

But I guess like reading a fairy-tale, when you flip to the last page there's always a "the end"...

I shouldn't have allowed myself to weaken so much. I have ambitions... I have a dream... I am one of the most aggorant, annoying, brat of the group!

How the hell did I end up wanting to just be simple and "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family"?! Geez. What happened!?

Me = Pathetic

It is not suppose to be, "I wonder if he is missing me as much as I'm missing him right now..." It's suppose to be, "he - who?"

Why do I find comfort in his consent? Why do I block my calendar for every last minute opportunity I get to spend extra time with him? Am I putting him above myself?

I am PRINCESSA! You know... PRINCESS?!

Princesses do not sit around waiting for another person. They do what they want, and most of the time... Get what they want. Tsk. I'm letting my fear of losing him, allow me to lose myself.

I miss myself. Where did I go?

I'm caring too much, drowning myself with "what if". Now, I feel nothing. Nothing seems to be able to fill up this emptiness.

Teddybear is still great. It's me that isn't just as great.

Sigh. No one should live in the shadows of another.