♥ Princessa's Royal Diary ♥ - Royalty has never been so PINK!

Ever since the server went down for more then a week, thanks to Yahoo's wonderful (sarcastic remark) domain services, I kinda lost the whole "I want to blog" mood.

It's like when I actually have something to rant about, my blog isn't up for me to do so and after a week of that I kinda resorted to just writing in my diary instead.

My blog is back up but I don't feel attached to it anymore. Can't really explain why either.

Hmmm...

Could it be that it's because I'm like a year older and I feel lousy about it? Age doesn't kinda get to a person sometimes. But then again, it's not like I hit 30 or anything like that I'm still in the early 20s. It's not that bad. Sigh.

Or maybe...

I feel out of place? I don't have a click or anything like that. My friends are kinda random.

Come to think of it, I do feel out of place. The people I kinda hang out with the most aren't exactly the people that I'm closest to. Their like the most interesting kinda people out there but it's like I'm not good enough for them or something, we just don't seem to have a connection.

I don't know why but whenever I speak to them I feel as though my heart is pumping 10 times faster and that I might die anytime. It makes me really nervous even simply opening my damn mouth to say, "hi."

The worst part of it all is that I kinda really like them! They are sooo funny and kinda my boyfriends best of pals.

It's strange really. It's not like their talking about politics and being totally serious all the time. Their topics are kinda the topic I'd talk about with my stupid friends, but I just can't seem to open my mouth to give my opinion or crack some lame joke like I usually do.

It's really killing me to keep my god-damn mouth shut all the time. But I'm kinda worried if I open my big mouth I might say something unpleasant and get condemned for eternity, and trust me, being condemned for eternity is BAD! VERY VERY BAD!

Something is really wrong with me. Am I an alien or something? I never had a problem with speaking to anyone face to face before but recently...

It's awful. I feel awful. Why can't I be more of myself?

So what if my English isn't perfect and that I can actually speak fluent Chinese. Do you have any god-damn idea how hard it was to pick it up in a short period of time so that I can tutor my ex-classmates in a language that they can actually understand?

I mean... What's the big deal that I can speak Chinese anyway? Shouldn't I be like proud that I speak more then just one pathetic language? Does it mean I'm as people may put it, ching chong, because I know the language?

And even if I am ching chong, what's the big deal, right?

We are all Chinese, in the eyes of the "whites" we are ALL ching chong. So why am I feeling so taken a back about being who I am - Asian.

It's so weird.

I need a boost in my moral. If this continues I'll be hiding under my blankets ALL the time.

*Ahem* Things that I can do...

I can ice-skate, roller blade, cycle and ...
I play pool/billiard, and I usually don't lose out to the guys.
I know programming and designing.
I can cook a decent meal and bake stuff.
I play tennis, squash, badminton, netball, basketball and ...
I play PC games - Counter-strike, Quake 3, Warcraft, Dota (getting better at it now), Starcraft, World of Warcraft and ...
I play Xbox, Wii, DS Lite and PlayStation games. (Have all of them at home.)

Etc, etc, etc...

I'm not a dumbass.

Teddybear says I'm shy. Okay. I have to admit, towards people that matter I tend to be a little shy. Can't blame me really. They MATTER! Have to becareful what I say as to not offend them otherwise they might not like me.

But to the rest of the world? Hurhur. I don't think I'm shy. Well, at least not overly shy. Am I shy?

Sigh. It's me isn't it? I'm a freak of nature. I need social skills lessons 101 pronto!

Anyway, since chances I'll ever say this to any of the bears' friends face to face is close to zero (and chances they read this is also close to zero)...

"Hey peeps, I think all of you are like the coolest bunch around and I absolutely love the whole lot of you.

I love hanging out with all of you, though I kinda feel outcast most of time, my fault really.

I mean this in a good way - whenever I hang out with you guys it reminds me of my friends (really good friends) that abandoned me in search of a new life outside of Singapore.

I sooo totally miss them but their NEVER coming back cause Singapore is just wayyy too boring. Thank god there's internet. (Oh yeah, Pris is leaving soon too. I'm sooo gonna be alone again. Tsk.)

It's not that I don't like talking to you people, but to be honest, I'm really worried that I might say the wrong things and you would dislike me. I kinda figured that no impression is better then bad impression but I think that kind backfired.

It's been ages since I hanged out in a group, I really don't know how it works anymore.

Sigh. Hopefully one day I'll be accepted. It's kinda depressing to always be the outsider."

~>.<~

Now I feel better.

I should just accept that fact that I'm a reject, an outcast of society and start buying a couple more blankets and hide under them. (The additional blankets are for spares, need to wash the one I hide under once in a while you see.)

Oh kewl! I actually wrote a damn long entry! Woohoo~

I haven't lost it, I've just been suppressing my thoughts for like... FOREVER!

P/s: If anyone uses this against me, I'll so have to kill you!