♥ Princessa's Royal Diary ♥ - Royalty has never been so PINK!

^{Photo credit: forgotten---memories.deviantart.com}

Ten years ago and ten years later, nothing has really changed, maybe a slight adjustment on temper. Still have a mean temper but much less explosive these days. Emotional outburst comes and goes (like the monthly period) but it's nothing I can't handle.

It's like I'm still this little girl (that isn't that little anymore) hoping for a fairytale to happen (just that my fairytale is a little more complicated).

Reality check! It's not gonna happen. What I have is as good as it gets. I shouldn't be hoping for more, if I want more then I better work harder for it. Nothing falls from the sky, well, okay... some stuff do (like bird shit, which isn't a good thing if it lands on your head).

It's been almost a year since I've like had a proper job. It's not like I'm totally bumming around or anything, I still "work" but I just haven't had constant interaction with humans. You know, people that are trying to stab you in the back everyday you go to work. There are of course the nice people, plenty in fact.

I recall having this conversation with Johann previously, who's apparently still not working but actively looking for one, about human interactivity. It's a good thing actually. It keeps a person relevant (having no better word to use). It's not that I don't interact with people (I'm not totally anti-social), it's just irregular. People like me need something regular going on in our lives.

My life is like a roller coaster ride each and everyday. One minute it's totally exciting and all, and the next, it's sooo dull I just wanna burst out screaming. Sometimes I find myself talking to myself, which cannot be a good sign. And I get sooo caught up with TV programmes, I keep wishing I'd sleep, dream myself in her role, and NEVER wake up. I question myself all so often, what the hell is my purpose in life? Yes, I wanna be rich, I wanna own my own magazine, I wanna have my own place and a better car, I wanna travel and see the world... I want tons of stuff but it still doesn't define my purpose.

I've imagine two scenarios (that still doesn't define my purpose):

1. An average career (still affording my own place and car of course) with a totally awesome husband. He doesn't have to be total hottie, decent is acceptable. He's sweet, caring, dependable, pacifies me when necessary, and just connects with me. My ideal of a perfect evening would be popcorn, wine and watching home movies on our comfy sofa in front of a huge TV. Traveling once or twice a year is essential. I just can't imagine myself staying put in Singapore for the rest of my life. The world is just too interesting to miss out on. Even if it kills me, I have to see the rest of it. It would be good if I had a soul mate with me on this journey.

2. Becoming successful in my career, with a not so awesome husband/boyfriend but one that keeps me comfortable... company. I don't ask for much, I just don't want trouble. He can basically do whatever he wants in his free time, I won't call or bug. But when we're together, it has just gotta be the two of us and maybe close friends. I imagine myself being too tired to "socialise". I probably wouldn't be too concerned about having the perfect wedding or getting married even. When you're caught up with work, minor details like such becomes secondary. The most important is to have a peaceful time after working hours.

These are just current thoughts, I tend to change my expectations from time to time.

I'm not making much sense. Then again, I didn't really intend to. I have sooo much in my mind I just needed to let some out. I can't concentrate these days, I'm sooo distracted. When I'm writing my entries in SauceINK.com it takes ages to complete (and there aren't that many words). My assignments are due on Monday and I'm still having a blank page with only my name and title typed out. Got a review due on Monday too and I'm still not passed the testing stage (haven't touched my DSLR). And let's not even go into articles I'm suppose to churn out on a daily basis, and research on Fleas & Fairs. I'm on a fast lane to dooms day, really. I need to get my act together.

I'd probably complete my tasks, but it's gonna be half baked. I haven't written anything recently that's even close to decent. I'm not an all so great writer but my work has been considerably decent, with some sparks here and there, once in a while. These days, it's all just words. Words that are forced out due to the need of putting bread on my plate. Everything is empty, even entries in this blog. It's like I'm updating just so as not to be forgotten. It's like I'm not living anymore I'm just moving forward cause I'm obliged to do so. I can't imagine if this continues until the day I die. What a complete waste of my life and stuff I consume while living it.

I have to get it together. I have to get myself together. I've been changing from one major to another and my excuse is always the same, "I haven't found my path." I seem to be lacking confidence, the confidence to just see one thing through. Is total failure really that big a deal?

Just pick a route, stick to it and try excelling from there. It's not that hard really, everyone is doing it.

This brings me back to everything else I've done.

I used to ice-skate and was pretty okay. But as I got a little older and saw the competition getting younger, I quit. Why? Just because I felt I couldn't do any better. So what if I couldn't get another gold or silver medal, I should have at least stayed till I just couldn't compete anymore. What the hell was I thinking? I loved the ice, in fact, I still do!

I used to compete in pool - won some, lost some. As usual, after hard training with a really awesome coach, I gave up.

Let's not forget designing. Then again, let's not even go into it.

It's not just hobbies or such that I tend to give up or back out quickly, even relationships goes almost the same way. Call me an escape artist, I kinda fit the bill.

I'm a really weird fella. I'm patient yet totally impatient. I'm positive yet negative. I get emotionally yet totally immune to emotions... I'm just all over the place.

Like my current lifestyle, my relationships have kinda been a roller coaster ride. It has gone from as long as two and a half years to as short as an hour. Okay, maybe that "an hour" relationship isn't exactly a relationship. Whatever.

This may come as a shocker but I can't remember the names of half the people I've dated, or known for that matter, and to think I've got a pretty good memory (so says the bear). I'm going off point here.

There are a couple of relationships that kinda impacted me a little. For one, I do not keep photos of my boyfriend (or soon to be ex) with me. The whole framing it up and crying while hugging the frame is totally embarrassing. It's one of those things that I can never imagine myself doing again. It kinda explains why I only have one stuff toy in my room these days. I used to have a room full of toys.

I'm not sure if I should go on... most of the stuff that I'm gonna say would kinda make me sound pretty cruel.

I had really bad relationships before, extremely awful ones. But when I think back, I don't know why there's only 2 that would kinda still pricks a little. And the funny thing is that they were kinda back to back.

The whole crying while holding a framed photo is one of them. To be honest, it wasn't all that bad a relationship or a breakup. In fact, it was pretty clean cut. It's just the whole trying so hard to get him back, almost going into complete depression, having my grandma pacify me with the weirdest methods...

My grandma was the one who got me the frame and the amulet that was supposedly "requested" from a temple. The amulet supposedly had magical powers and if I prayed hard enough it would grant my wish. I was 16, and I pretty much fell for it. I brought it everywhere, together with the framed photo. It's hilarious. I'm guessing even Priss didn't know about that episode, only... *ahem* knows, and he hasn't forgotten.

It's one of those memories that isn't that bad but not all that good either, still, you just kinda wanna keep it anyway. Than again, even if I tried, I'd probably not be able to erase it.

I can't really remember much about the relationship itself, in fact, if asked I'd deny remembering anything at all. I just remember the "embarrassing" portion and the night I ran off crying. It was, at that point, perhaps the saddest moment of my life. I stress on "at that point", clearly worst had happened.

Back to my point on me being an escape artist. To be absolutely honest, when we broke up I still really liked him a lot and that was why I decided what I did. Sound completely ridiculous eh? See, liking someone too much causes a constant fear of losing the person. I've been going through that fear for weeks (trying to get him back), it seemed easier to give up (especially since there was kinda another person that was willing to help me through it). When the going gets tough... I run away... (I cannot believe I just typed that out.)

Okay, now for story number 2. The "another person that was willing to help me through it" is kinda the male lead to story number 2.

I've done really horrible stuff before but honestly, this is perhaps the only one that I still feel horribly guilty about until today. I'd sooo like to apologise but it's like he disappeared from the face of this earth or something. The worst part of it all is that... well... I'm not good with Chinese names and his English name is sooo common. Plus, back then, we all went by nicknames (and fake names).

You'd think it's cruel to dump a person once, but twice... and to think he helped me. Yes, I'm a super meanie. He's the sweetest guy ever, but... "the heart wants what the heart wants" and he wasn't it, back then at least.

Not much of an escape artist act there. All that's gained is karma points.

Time to hit the sacks. Tomorrow is no TV day. I'm gonna finish what I'm suppose to even if it means I won't be leaving my room.